One of the things I am often asked about is whether it is a good idea for parents of young people to be youth leaders of the same group. It usually comes from youth leaders who want me to confirm that it is a bad idea and want confirmation that they should be looking for others to be a youth leader. Now this may well be the right thing to do due to the personalities involved but I don’t think this has to be the case for everyone.
I have had all three of my children in my youth group at different times, and each would say that they enjoyed me being their leader, and, more importantly, each is still walking with Jesus!
It comes down to a honest assessment of what the parent’s relationship with their child is like, whether they get on well or are always disagreeing with each other. Does the child need space from their parent or do they seem to get on well? We need to consider this question without casting any judgement on their parenting. Ask any parent and they would all say that every parent child relationship is unique and is very much down to the chemistry between them.
Personally I have loved having each of my children in my youth group and I was careful to develop guidelines for us both to ensure that we both enjoyed being part of the group. Here are 10 pointers that I would offer to any parent who finds themselves with their child in their youth group:
1. Treat them as you would any other young person
The first thing I did with each of my children as we drove to their first youth group session was to explain to them that I will treat them just the same as all the other young people as long as they treated me like their youth leader. If they treated me like their leader, then I would respond in the same way as I would anyone else in the group but if they treated me like their father and expected they could get away with things because of that relationship, especially when it came to cheekiness or behaviour, then I would respond as their father not their youth leader, which might cause them embarrassment. This was important to agree so that they knew what they could expect from me.
2. Don’t embarrass them
They don’t want to be called by any family pet name when they are at the youth group! They don’t want to be humiliated with the mistake that they made at home this week, and they don’t want to have a parent who is embarrassing themselves so watch how you conduct yourself!
3. Don’t reveal their secrets or private conversations
Your children should be off limits when it comes to what you talk about at the youth group. Don’t use their embarrassing situation as a younger child to illustrate your teaching point, or if you want to, ensure that you chat it through with them first and get their permission. If you want to maintain good communication with your child, don’t share their insecurities, weaknesses nor mistakes with anyone at the youth group. Respect them and they might model it back to you!
4. Don’t show favour or bias, positive or negative
It can be so tempting to call on your child when you are looking for a volunteer and no one offers, but don’t! It is unfair on your child, and the rest of the group. Be careful not to ask your child to do things more than you would any other individual. Equally, don’t ask others more than your own child as they will feel that you have time for everyone else except them (a very difficult tightrope to walk – but perhaps a blog topic all of its own).
5. Don’t have higher expectations of them
They are not there to show how great a parent you are or how good your family discipleship is! If you go down this route it doesn’t take long for the bubble to burst and the truth to be displayed, both the good and bad! Treat them like you would anyone else, Recognise that it can be awkward for them to have their parent teaching on Christian issues and practices, so don’t expect them to find these things easier to understand and put into practice than anyone else. In fact, it may be harder for them because of their relationship with you so give them space and grace.
6. Publicly encourage them
Everyone will know of your relationship so don’t pretend that you are not their parent. The best way I found was to try and honour them as much as possible and to encourage them. I wanted to model to the rest of the group what a good father/child relationship can look like and I only ever wanted my children to talk positively about me with their youth group friends. By encouraging them in front of others it helped them to be proud to have me as their father, and they knew that they were loved.
7. Listen to and value their perspective
Our children can give us valuable insight into how the group is functioning. I appreciated many a car journey home after the end of sessions, finding out what they had got out of the evening, hearing struggles that others were going through and what changes we should be making. Listening to their thoughts and opinions helped me to get a clearer perspective on how the group was operating and gave me ideas for improvement.
8. Be careful what you share with them about the group
It is important that we are careful what we do and don’t share with them about the group, our thoughts, concerns and observations. It is essential that they understand the privacy involved. Inevitably they will hear things that it would be unhelpful for the rest of the group to hear, and so ensure that they know that just as you won’t share their private matters with the youth group, nor should they share what inside knowledge they pick up.
I found it helpful for them to be part of our team debrief with the other leaders as they watched how committed the leaders were to the group, and their desires for each to know Jesus. But we had to be careful to know when matters should not be discussed in front of them, and sometimes asked for them to give some space. It would not be appropriate for them to know all the pastoral revelations that the young people disclosed to the leaders.
9. Encourage other leaders to support them if possible
I found getting other leaders to invest in my children at youth group was very positive. They need their space and they need to be able to share their thoughts, struggles and opinions just like anyone else and they don’t always need to do that in front of their father. When we got into small groups, I would tend to go with a different small group for this reason. Equally, I would ask the other leaders to check in with them one to one as I wanted my children to know that there were other Christian adults that they could talk to and depend upon.
10. Don’t be a helicopter parent!
I think it was much harder for my children to have me as their youth leader than the other way round! I always said to each of them that if they would prefer me not to be there then they just had to say and I would step down from leadership. For me, their discipleship was far more important than my leadership. They never did. What was vital for me was giving them space, not watching over them, nor asking other leaders what they had said to them or how they had responded to any teaching. I needed to trust my leaders and to trust my children. They will make mistakes, they will get things wrong and they will wrestle with being a Christian, and I needed to be careful to not always step in. Allow them to do what they want at youth group just as you would any other young person.
I loved having my children in my youth group and we now have fond, shared memories of each of their times there. If you are unsure as to whether you should have your children in your group, or you are uncertain for other parents, maybe work through these 10 suggestions with another leader to ensure that you have clear expectations, and then keep praying, that you will be an excellent role model to your child, the other young people and to the other youth leaders.
To discuss:
What might be the benefits of having parents of young people on your youth team and what might be the difficulties?